i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
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