Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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