Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
Randomize
