I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
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