Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
