Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
Randomize
