Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
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