I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
What happened to fro yo and sex?
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
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