You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
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