im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
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