I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
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