There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
Randomize
