You can't special order awesome
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
Randomize
