Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
Randomize
