Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Randomize
