Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
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