For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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