You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
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