I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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