You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Randomize
