i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
I cut my penus on the lid.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
whose parrot is this?
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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