I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
