watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
