i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
theyre selling pepper spray in the courtyard. hellooo atl
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
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