The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
