I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
Dignity is for republicans.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
