Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
if only i could text you this smell
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
