the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Randomize
