Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
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