Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
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