it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
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