I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
Randomize
