Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
