I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
