I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
