Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
So, does it mean i'm loose if he can't even tell when he fell out?
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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