Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
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