My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
Panties = found
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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