Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
