If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
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