the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
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