i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
Randomize
