If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
