i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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