We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
Randomize
