just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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