I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
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