i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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