Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
Randomize
