ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
