I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
